New TLC Show: A Conception Story

Where to begin…
Our Baby Bonk is due January 7, 2008. At the moment, that date might as well be January 7, 2225- it’s that far away in my head. I’ll have my second trimester o’ panic when it seems like this baby is coming TOMORROW and oh-my-god-we-have-no-crib. And I’m sure the due date will seem ridiculously far away again when I’m 37 weeks and bigger than a house and miserable. Ah, the pregnancy time vortex.

So let’s start with how our lil’ blastocyst came to be. Yes, yes, I know you know HOW it came to be- that was the one time you paid attention in health class, wasn’t it? I’m speaking in broader (no jokes or you die!) terms here.

Husband began asking to have another go at the baby gig ‘round about Thanksgiving. His biological clock and baby yearnings have been far stronger than mine all along. I attribute this to the fact that he does not have to actually carry said child. But yes, around November we began “talking” about having another baby. Husband was in the process of making some career adjustments, so I suggested we wait until those were complete. In December, he got me hopped up on the smell of Christmas trees and we gave it a go. No dice, which was probably best. In January and February, I stuck to my prior plan of waiting until we were better settled.

In March we actually tried and I was certain it had worked. Because I’m a GILLOOLY. Heck, I have considered sanitizing the toilet seat before each use just to avoid impregnation. And yet we did everything right and nothing happened. So let me see… two deliberate efforts to get pregnant- no baby. In my family, this is grounds to begin infertility screening. We cannot look at a naked man without getting knocked up.

My sister got married on April 14, and I’m fairly certain this baby was conceived in the days leading up to that event. We had houseguests on the 11th and 12th. That didn’t STOP us, per se, but I'm trying not to consider that this baby may have been conceived on the floor of my walk-in closet in an attempt to keep my niece from hearing us gettin’ busy. I left for the wedding on the 12th and Husband didn’t arrive until the next day. In fact, he arrived the next NIGHT completely exhausted from the drive and by the time he got there, I was almost incapacitated from a full day of drinki- I mean, cooking in preparation for the relatives. So yeah, the hotel room was kinda quiet that night. So it must have been before that.

Given the stress, travel, scheduling, drinking that went on, we didn’t think there would be any baby this month either. HA.HA.HA. Again, I’m a GILLOOLY. We shall overcome, y’all. You know those little tests that say you can potentially test four whole days before your period is due? Four of ‘em. Positive. REALLY positive…. SEVEN FULL DAYS BEFORE. That is some hard core conceiving, folks. Six tests later, I’m still pregnant.

We went to the OB Monday morning. The gist of what they said was “Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Now give us our $25 co-pay!” No, seriously, our OB is fantastic and we’re lucky to have her. She scheduled an ultrasound for May 18th and the genetic screening will occur about a week later. So now I have a to do list:

1. Pare down my diet Coke habit. If they made a DC patch, I’d be a prime candidate. And I’m sorry- caffeine free? Blech. Must find suitable alternate beverage.
2. Rob a bank to pay for childcare.
3. Buy some maternity clothes. My boobs are too big for my regular ones already and I figure I’ll need maternity stuff soon enough anyway.

Oh, and here’s a hot stock tip for the family. I totally recommend buying into whatever company owns Starburst candies. I predict the sales of their jelly beans will be at an all time high for the next 32 weeks or so.

Eventually the baby him/herself will make some updates. Right now we’re busy getting Windows Vista installed on the placenta and there are some serious glitches.