From the Desk of Baby Bonk

MEMO
To: Family & Friends
From: Baby Bonk
Date: 5/25/07
Re: Scheduling
_______________________________________
All interested parties are advised that the genetic screening (CVS) has been scheduled for 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, June 19th.
The regular OB visit scheduled for June 14th will still be held.
Dress for both occasions is business casual, with the suggestion of easily-removable bottoms for those who will have to put their feet in stirrups.
You may contact me with any questions.
Bonk Q. Kiddo, Esquire
COO- Gestation & Nausea Division

6 weeks, 4 days, one heartbeat, two relieved parents

Greetings extra-uterine dwellers!
I am Baby Bonk. You may call me “the baby” or “the bonk” or just plain “bonk”. Just do not call me late for gestating. I was super early, thank you. (See Mom’s post about the positive tests.)
I made my television debut this morning and showed off my brand new heartbeat at 139 beats per minute- I am rocking OUT in here!

BEHOLD THE GLORY THAT IS BONK!

(click to enlarge)

I still have a yolk sack keeping me company like a sort of embryonic security blanket. I’m told I’ll have to give that up soon, but that I’m getting some cool new toys called a “placenta” and an “umbilical cord”. I was hoping for an iPod, but I guess those other things will do.
Mom is taking me for my very first test next week- something called a genetic screening. I’m freaking out because I haven’t studied and I don’t have any books or Internet access. (Wi-fi does have it’s limits.) Heck, I don’t even have fully formed fingers yet, so I guess I’ll just go in there and hope it’s essay questions I can b.s. my way through. (A method that served my Daddy well at Wofford.)
Speaking of Mom & Dad, they are doing pretty well too. Mom’s been having a little trouble with the hormones. Let me tell you, nothing will shake a fetus out of a deep sleep like early morning dry heaves. Dad has learned to ask the status of her tummy before touching her/talking to her/ breathing too loudly. Dad can also tell you the best places in Lexington to get ginger extract, candied ginger, ginger ale, chocolate milkshakes, or Starburst jelly beans at almost any hour of the day or night.

That's all the news from Lake Wombegon! (HA! Wi-fi, no, NPR, yes!) Much love to you all!

The Bonk

New TLC Show: A Conception Story

Where to begin…
Our Baby Bonk is due January 7, 2008. At the moment, that date might as well be January 7, 2225- it’s that far away in my head. I’ll have my second trimester o’ panic when it seems like this baby is coming TOMORROW and oh-my-god-we-have-no-crib. And I’m sure the due date will seem ridiculously far away again when I’m 37 weeks and bigger than a house and miserable. Ah, the pregnancy time vortex.

So let’s start with how our lil’ blastocyst came to be. Yes, yes, I know you know HOW it came to be- that was the one time you paid attention in health class, wasn’t it? I’m speaking in broader (no jokes or you die!) terms here.

Husband began asking to have another go at the baby gig ‘round about Thanksgiving. His biological clock and baby yearnings have been far stronger than mine all along. I attribute this to the fact that he does not have to actually carry said child. But yes, around November we began “talking” about having another baby. Husband was in the process of making some career adjustments, so I suggested we wait until those were complete. In December, he got me hopped up on the smell of Christmas trees and we gave it a go. No dice, which was probably best. In January and February, I stuck to my prior plan of waiting until we were better settled.

In March we actually tried and I was certain it had worked. Because I’m a GILLOOLY. Heck, I have considered sanitizing the toilet seat before each use just to avoid impregnation. And yet we did everything right and nothing happened. So let me see… two deliberate efforts to get pregnant- no baby. In my family, this is grounds to begin infertility screening. We cannot look at a naked man without getting knocked up.

My sister got married on April 14, and I’m fairly certain this baby was conceived in the days leading up to that event. We had houseguests on the 11th and 12th. That didn’t STOP us, per se, but I'm trying not to consider that this baby may have been conceived on the floor of my walk-in closet in an attempt to keep my niece from hearing us gettin’ busy. I left for the wedding on the 12th and Husband didn’t arrive until the next day. In fact, he arrived the next NIGHT completely exhausted from the drive and by the time he got there, I was almost incapacitated from a full day of drinki- I mean, cooking in preparation for the relatives. So yeah, the hotel room was kinda quiet that night. So it must have been before that.

Given the stress, travel, scheduling, drinking that went on, we didn’t think there would be any baby this month either. HA.HA.HA. Again, I’m a GILLOOLY. We shall overcome, y’all. You know those little tests that say you can potentially test four whole days before your period is due? Four of ‘em. Positive. REALLY positive…. SEVEN FULL DAYS BEFORE. That is some hard core conceiving, folks. Six tests later, I’m still pregnant.

We went to the OB Monday morning. The gist of what they said was “Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Now give us our $25 co-pay!” No, seriously, our OB is fantastic and we’re lucky to have her. She scheduled an ultrasound for May 18th and the genetic screening will occur about a week later. So now I have a to do list:

1. Pare down my diet Coke habit. If they made a DC patch, I’d be a prime candidate. And I’m sorry- caffeine free? Blech. Must find suitable alternate beverage.
2. Rob a bank to pay for childcare.
3. Buy some maternity clothes. My boobs are too big for my regular ones already and I figure I’ll need maternity stuff soon enough anyway.

Oh, and here’s a hot stock tip for the family. I totally recommend buying into whatever company owns Starburst candies. I predict the sales of their jelly beans will be at an all time high for the next 32 weeks or so.

Eventually the baby him/herself will make some updates. Right now we’re busy getting Windows Vista installed on the placenta and there are some serious glitches.